Contrary to what media portrays in romantic movies, jealousy is not love. Jealousy stems from insecurity. The jealous partner does not feel they are “enough” for their partner. Low self esteem makes them perceive other people as threats to the relationship.They, in turn, try to control the partner by preventing them from having any outside friendships or hobbies. This is not a healthy behavior and will doom the relationship eventually. I like to call this slow motion relationship suicide.
It all begins with poor self-esteem. The jealous person does not feel a sense of innate worth.
A jealous partner (lets use the female for this example) might harbor unrealistic expectations about marriage. She might have grown up on the fantasy of marriage, thinking wedded life would be like she saw in magazines and movies. She might think that “Forsake all others” includes friendships and hobbies, too. Her expectations about what a relationship is are not grounded in reality. She doesn’t understand that it is good for a marriage for each spouse to have their own outside interests.
The jealous partner feels a sense of ownership and possessiveness towards their partner and refuses to allow the partner free agency for fear that that freedom will allow them to find “someone better.”
They think that by remaining alert (jealous) they can prevent the situation from repeating itself. They don’t realize that this irrational behavior is toxic to the relationship and can result in driving the partner away, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The jealous thinking actually creates the very situation that the afflicted person is trying to avoid. When ever someone says that they are not trying to do something, that is exactly what they are doing. 1). I am not trying to argue with you (as they are yelling) 2 I don't want to hurt you as they cut you etc... Don't get it twisted, because a small amount of jealousy isssssss normal; most people state that they feel a twinge of jealousy when their partner talks about an old love or maintains innocent friendships with members of the opposite sex. But excessive jealousy is abnormal and can even lead to dangerous behavior such as that displayed by deranged women on lifetime movies. The jealous partner is not merely jealous of their partner’s friendships. The object of jealousy can be time spent at work, or indulging in a weekend hobby or just hanging with his kids. It is basically any situation where the jealous person cannot control the circumstances and therefore feels threatened. Yes, it is crazy. And it is very damaging, as the innocent mate can do little to reassure the jealous mate that there is no threat “there.”
Too much jealousy will wear down even the best of relationships, as it soaks into all aspects of the relationship. The jealous partner requires constant reassurance that the imagined threat is not real. The jealous partner may resort to sneaky behaviors, such as monitoring social media accounts, hacking their email account, going through their phone and reading text messages, or following them to see where they are “really” going. They may belittle the partner’s friends, family or work associates. These behaviors have no place in a healthy relationship and the jealous person will certainly deny their negative actions. Its easier to allow people to think they are cool then point out the source of complaints.
The non-jealous partner finds themselves in a continual state of defensiveness, having to account for every move made when not with their partner. I talked to so many couples that are just a few steps away from getting it right but they fail to realize what makes the situation work. It seems that it comes down to who will back down first, forget who is right or wrong. Wallace told me that as a black man, he feels especially angry with his woman, because she doesn't realize what he endures in a day at work, only to return home to have to fuss and fight with her over some petty issues. I understand what he is saying. Its like he is saying that he wants a best friend who is easy to love not some a live in competitor who has a smart mouth and a bad attitude. So what is the solution??
I would suggest considering this: Accept that jealous is damaging your relationship and focus on what you can do. Consider if the negative behavior is or is not based on anything factual or is it a feeling? Give up the need to control your mate. Stop stalking your mate and rebuild your sense of self worth by applying positive activities in your life (www.jw.org). At the end of the day we are what we do. If you want a good relationship, you must do the opposite of what you doing now.
I am WarD.....
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