I recently saw a number of posts that talk about the inability of men to win an argument with a woman. Some of these articles were funny, however most implied somehow that women are overbearing, impossible to deal with, illogical, and unrealistic lol!!!
Some even stated that women ‘speak nonsense’ and ‘repeat themselves’. They also made points such as ‘women base their arguments on emotionality only.
I even found a post on tips for winning arguments with women. One suggested that since you can’t win, ever, you should just change the subject, and get really harsh to get her to stop.
Mostly I find this stuff funny and ridiculous. But it really got me thinking. Why is this myth and belief about fighting with women so common?
The problem is the premise. I really don’t want to be in an argument at all. I don’t want to compete. I don’t want there to be a winner or a loser. I certainly can enjoy a good debate, but only about ‘topics’ and ‘content’. Wardy doesn't want to debate or argue about my feelings, my emotions, charged topics, my perspective, values or beliefs, etc. I am looking to be heard, to be understood and to understand, and to gain closeness and intimacy through a healthy conversation about tough issues.
I am wanting to engage my partner in an interactive discussion in which both of our perspectives are considered, respected and valued. I guess sometimes, men don't feel this is the case.
Most men I know are logical and want to have stimulating conversations with their mate. Through healthy argument and battling out issues, men tend 2 be better able to integrate with new information, and better able 2 understand the argument game. Men reach conclusions by evaluating the facts and information, eliminating anything irrelevant, and then summarizing the core of the problem.
Seems like women find this reasoning skill discounting and painful.
Arguments then ensue because an idea, feeling, or issue for discussion is introduced that is not well thought out. Women, simply want to be heard and understood. Women want empathy, relationship and communication, but show it in a way that men find challenging. Men want to find the intent behind the argument or conversation. Men want to find out if it is ‘rational’, if it makes sense, or if it has validity. To guys, a point is valid if it holds up under scrutiny and argument!! One assumption is that if men can figure out why women feel a certain way and maybe if we understand the situation better, yall might feel differently!!!!! In male logic, we are just trying to understand what the freak yall talking about; we don't even see ourselves as trying to start a (circle) or another fight.
I find that women just want men to hear beyond their words to what they are really saying (which, by the way, some of us R really good at and totally capable of). Women end up arguing 2 try to get out of the argument. Crazy for real right?
Also, women feel they shouldn't have 2 be logical, unemotional, and have every point all laid out in a perfect manner like a SAT exam. I assume women have points to the method of madness, but only she/they know what ever that may be. It has to be that way or why do yall stick with it -lol.
Personally for me, arguing/meaning conversation is to try to get me to someone to realize another perspective, or to be more rational, or to consider a change my mind. Usually during an argument women aren't interested or willing to see another perspective. When them emotions get high, the reasoning gets lowered. They do not want to be logical, nor is there anything men could say to change the women's mind.
One woman Wardy interviewed said the following "So yes, I do feel emotional and upset, and yes, I do repeat my point which is ‘why the heck are we fighting when I just shared some feelings?’ and yes I am frustrated to tears and the point of insanity at having this same argument over and over again and feeling not heard and understood".Of course he can’t understand why I am so upset. It makes no sense to him. In his world, he is really trying to understand and figure out what the problem is and open the door to new ideas. So he gets more rational. And I get more emotional, more upset, and feel less heard. We polarize. To him, I seem ridiculous, like I am changing my story and making no sense. I speak in metaphors, in feelings, and in examples. I tell a story, that if interpreted in a concrete manner will never make sense. He wants something concrete. The more I try to explain it, the less sense it makes to him because my metaphors get broader and each of his attempts at pinpointing the problem make it seem like I am changing my story, which infuriates him.
And I am angry that I am even having the argument! As more time passes, I am getting angrier and angrier that we are fighting over my perspective, a perspective that as far as I am concerned, is not up for discussion, debate, or argument. I am really angry that I feel like I have been put on the defensive, and feel like I am required to explain ‘why’ I feel the way I do, rather than experiencing a good solid, reflective, listening ear.
When you look at it that way, the man can’t ‘win’ the argument. Because basically the women like the one above are refusing to even have the argument the man is trying to have with her. He cannot win an argument that she/women will not engage in.
Here is an example of a silly argument that should have and could have been avoided.....
"Shay-Shay said one day she came home from a high paced exercise routine of walking up and down the stadium stairs at the local city college. She was really excited because she was healing quickly and had completed climbing many more stairs than she thought she could. She said something like ‘I must have climbed at least 1000 steps’. He (he dude) said something like, ‘I think there are only 900’. UGH! she just wanted him to be excited for her. Who cares if there are 900 steps or 1000? For her, the 1000 steps is another interchangeable word for A LOT!
For him, it is hard to even hear what she had 2 say when it is inaccurate information. Men like facts, not lies !!! He wanted to get really clear about how many steps there were. She just wanted him to be excited.
FFW: This couple ended up in an argument about how much they were arguing. He is angry and wanting to prove his point that they didn’t argue that much. But isn't this how most couples argue and then start the silent treatment?
So I believe one of the main reasons that men feel like they can’t win an argument with a woman is because she is unwilling to engage in the argument that he wants to engage in. He is arguing to make a point, she is arguing to feel heard and loved. There is no where to go, no way for anyone to ‘win’ as long as both people are fighting for and wanting different things.
Whenever you are at fork in da road with your partner, it might be a good idea to explore what the positive intentions and needs of each person is. Then, when you are not fighting or arguing, spend time working on the problem solving ways that both people’s needs can be met when that same situation (a circle- a non ending argument) happens the next time.
In the example above, If someone would be able to be vulnerable, and say something such as “I just want you to understand what I am trying to say first, and then we can discuss it later,” I am positive things will improve!!! (If this fails, you can get a full refund back from Wardy...............never mind you ain't paid me a dime for this advice sucka!!!) Once a woman feels heard and understood, she may be much more willing to carry on a debate about the nature of the problem and ways to resolve it.
I am Ward...........................
